I have been on a composition/writing retreat for the last few days - here until the end of the month to write for a a group of musicians I'll bring together. A meditation that I received suggested that I meditate on silence and non-judgement....- so this will be my practice in the first week - exploring silence, listening rather than talking.
Deciding not to talk for three days has meant that only immediate & basic things can be easily communicated - to other humans..And as i am here with 7 other artists - each working on their own projects- dinner has been the only social time that we regularly speak together. At first, people ascribed different reasons for my silence..... was I mute? could I read lips? was I saving my voice / had I lost it? was I gonna be done tomorrow? As I am new to every person here, and they new to me, it seems that some are curious - in suspense as to what my voice must be like, some are eager to ask me questions that are hard to answer w/ out language, and others seem to just have put the whole thing on hold (not engaging much) until I choose to speak.
It has been a time when I have become aware of, and begun to empty all the chatter in my head. It has been a way for me to transition from one reality to another - focusing on listening and accepting reality as it is right now. It has uncovered my own triggers (being the only Afrikan person in a group of Europeans (though one of our hosts is of Phillipine descent)) and has allowed me to listen to the stories triggered in my own brain (high school, bad grant review panel memories, reaction against areas of extreme privilege) but not be held captive by them - or feel the need to act out. I have been able to listen to and be with those around me instead of having to BE or PROVE or SAY anything.
It has also helped me to become aware of and to listen for the music that is asking to be brought into the world.
A walk in the prairie led me to a bridge over a running stream yesterday morning. Sitting on the edge of the bridge, feet dangling over the water i listened, silently, to the water, and the earth around it. And the song came into my head, asking to be born. The earth and my openness and patience made room for the music to be heard.....now to the challenge of manifestation......from the stream, through me to the musicians....and to your ears.....
